My self-destructive loop.

I’m in the process of doing some really deep, really heavy inner work. I’m in the advanced course of Human Design differentiation and we’re basically mapping the Not Self mind, which is everything in white in your bodygraph chart. There’s a reason skilled Human Design practitioners never use the word “empty” or “missing” when describing the parts of your design in white — because they are anything but. In fact, I would argue these are the most dynamic parts of your design and your Not Self mind as it spends a lifetime trolling you to be what you’re not, which causes you to show up in so many Not Self ways that hurt you (and others). This is really deep, difficult work and I can only sit with it for an hour at a time. There was an entire decade of my life, from ~28-38, where I was trapped in a Not Self spiral of proving I was talented and worthy and responsible (my completely open Heart center) and pretending like I was okay with the devastating deception and betrayal I experienced from former friends and colleagues (my undefined Solar Plexus). Reclaiming your true self from the trappings of conditioning is difficult, but incredibly liberating work. If you’re limiting yourself to the “feel good” aspects of Human Design and humble brags about how rare you are this and how rare you are that, you’re missing the fucking point. Human Design, more than anything, is for deep, transformational healing.