White space.

I’m completing my fourth year of intentionally living my unique Human Design with the focus and intensity of any 1-line profile (I’m a 4/1 “fixed fate” juxtaposition). I’ve been studying intensively every step of the way to build a solid foundation of knowledge, deepening my understanding of the nuances of every center, every gate, every channel, every line, and now I’m delving even deeper, “beneath the line” where we map our cognition – how we think as our true selves and how our thinking is distorted by our not-selves. This ride is somewhat torturous. I’ve been sitting with my undefined Solar Plexus with my dormant potential of gate 37, the gate of family and community, for the last 4-5 weeks and I can’t seem to move on. I am stuck here because I am forced to recognize and wrestle with my conditioned fear of engagement with the other and the implications of that fear keeping me small and silent. The Solar Plexus is all about our emotions, processed through the nervous system, and the perpetual uncertainty of the consequences that will result from social interaction. I was raised in an environment that was emotionally volatile and unpredictable, making me feel unsafe to relax or feel my feelings. I grew up perpetually guarding against the unexpected screaming match that might erupt at any moment, disrupting the peace I was able to create through my studies or reading or watching Little House on the Prairie or Happy Days or Laverne & Shirley. What happens in these early years of our development is that we start masking, pretending like everything is okay (especially those of us with an undefined Solar Plexus). We also fortify our defenses by amplifying our use of the parts of us that are trusted and reliable. In that case, I relied on my channel of Logic – the one that sees patterns and uses those patterns to create safety in the future. I became an expert at pattern recognition, especially when it came to human behavior. My logic helped me troubleshoot how to remain out of the line of emotional fire while growing up. It has been highly useful but it has also created emotional drama and trauma where there doesn’t need to be – why am I nervous when the doorbell rings? Why am I afraid when I get what I want? Why am I afraid to lean on another, to need anyone? Why am I afraid of being deceived, cheated, or betrayed? These are the difficult emotions I am sitting with, the emotions I need to investigate and interrogate, because it is on the other side of the Not Self distortion and lies of the Solar Plexus that we imagine, dream, and manifest from our soul’s deepest desires.